so I've got some MASSIVE ANGST going on right now!
Not at anyone imparticular, just a tangled rolled up ball of grrr-ness at different people, myself, life, and how things have been lately. NOOOoooOOOoooo idea if getting it down in this blog will do any good, but it's not like I have anything better that I want to do with my time. Let's get on with this heated ventilation.
Angst # 1
THE UKRANIAN
So I have a roommate who is from Ukraine who used to be really cute, adorable, and somewhat tolerable. This semester has made it even harder to deal with her. We've heard all her stories before, most of the things she says she can do she can't, the things she says she's into she's not, and it just makes me want to throw her into someones apartment who can actually stand her! Everyone in our apartment finds ways to avoid her and when we want to go out and do something we try and find an excuse to tell her so she wont go. I know very few people who seem to want to spend time with her. More and more people are understanding why we don't want to hang out with her.
Maybe it's because she's foreign, or maybe it's because she's just ANNOYING. Who knows? Whatever it is we can't stand her. Oh I've tried patience before don't you worry. We've tried it over and over again. It just seems that she runs at our patience with an electric sander every time we have to hear her speak.
Angst #2
PERSONALLY THROWING AWAY THE KEY
I get so very annoyed whenever I find myself cooped up in my room while I can hear screams and shouts of joy outside. I know that it is entirely my fault and that if i want to go out and play with the other children that i have to put myself out there. I knew this last semester and i know it now. I just got so used to having a boyfriend who i got to see every night and spend time with on the weekend i figured i was fine. I was happy and felt my spare time was spent right. Now that my entertainment is gone i have way too much free time. I close my door and play music to make it sound like I'm doing something productive. Sure i do homework and check necessary emails...but after that? Yeah not going to lie most of these blogs come because i have nothing else on my list to do.
There's just a lot of girls here who i feel intimidated by because they're SO much more social than me. Reckon we're all Mormons here so people are generally going to be nice to everyone...but its like with the Ukrainian, i don't want to be the person people talk to just to be nice and secretly wish would go away. Like on my "Things I don't want to do anymore" list when i said I don't just want to be considered someones option when I'm making them my priority. I have an outgoing personality, but not the type that can on a whim blurt out witty hilarious things that make people want to hang out with you every second of the day. I'm not being called regularly to go and do something. When people make plans they don't consider me. People don't walk by my apartment and pop their head in to say hi because they know i live there. I'm not the gorgeous funny type that guys want to spend their free time with.
However, I am the type that can find comfort being alone. It's just at some point it bothers me how much i don't mind it. Then it drives me crazy and gets me mad.
Angst #3
WALRUS BLUBBER
In all honesty I don't have a bad body. I wear a size 8 pants, wear size small shirts, and have a curvy figure. My fat is more in my hips but is pretty evenly distributed throughout my body. BUT...the fact that i have all this extra fat hanging on me that wont seems to go away and will therefore make me look awful compared to my super skinny cousin when we go on our cruise just makes me so upset! I look at my uneven legs and the fudge hanging over my pants and hate it. There are times where I'm super prideful of my body and times like now where it is just disappointing to look in the mirror. I figure because i went on a run last night that i should look like a model.
...so...now what?
I bet you're planning on me blurting out something inspirational explaining how I'm going to get out of my comfort zone and make things all better. As wonderful as that would be, it's rather bad timing. 11:22 p.m.
I'm thinking of an idea that might work for tomorrow...but it involves being by myself some more.
Isn't that what I'm trying to resolve?
Ugh this is rather depressing watching myself type these things. Tell ya what-tomorrow I'll try blogging 3 times a day. When I first wake up, somewhere in the middle, perhaps in between classes, then before I go to bed...and we'll see what happens. I feel like there should be a goal involved...*off to look at quotes on an awesome website*
Of course the first one i read is:
"All alone! Whether you like it or not, alone is something you'll be quite a lot!"
— Dr. Seuss
Now for something inspirational...
Then this one comes up:
"You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes."Okay one more should suffice, yes?
— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)
"I don't believe in failure, because simply by saying you've failed, you've admitted you attempted. And anyone who attempts is not a failure. Those who truly fail in my eyes are the ones who never try at all. The ones who sit on the couch and whine and moan and wait for the world to change for them."
— Sarah Dessen (Keeping the Moon)
"I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them."
— Oscar Wilde (The Picture of Dorian Gray)
There you have it.
